I Asked the Internet What They Believe Deserves a Tariff
Parading a cardboard cutout that was rumoured to have been manufactured with AI, Donald Trump evoked a similar presence to that of a supply teacher at the end of a lesson who doesn’t have a clue about controlling the class- so reverts to whiteboard games instead. The casual nature of the whole song and dance may have tricked you into believing that this wasn’t a very big deal, he may as well have been announcing his top ten favourite songs in the top forty charts. Trump’s tariff announcement revealed what we already knew about the guy- he is an entertainer who isn’t prepared to leave his reality TV show days behind him as of yet.
If a former reality TV star can trigger an economic crash in a single day, I thought it was time the people of Instagram had their say on what they would put tariffs on. Trump has focused on the likes of steel, automobiles and aluminium in his tariff rollouts, but what do my fellow Instagram followers from the age 18-30 bracket REALLY think should be taxed highly in the hopes that the market pushes people elsewhere? From various political figures to Stanley Water Cups, this is what the people of social media would slap their tariffs on….
Snus: Commonly mistaken for those pouches of sugar that you can get for free when buying a coffee, if you find yourself speaking to someone who seemingly is unable to move their mouth in a normal way, they most likely have one of these shoved under their top lip. Suitably named after the sound people make when unable to pronounce particular vowels during consumption of such, Snuss can be found scattered around university flats and on the dance floor. It seems ‘Snuss’ has become the latest juul, formerly used by those with nicotine addictions that seek an alternative niccy hit to smoking. Snuss is the most sustainable of the nicotine options as a packet of the things even comes with a top lid that can store used pouches- yet you will still find the things scattered everywhere but there. A tariff on Snuss would prompt people to get their nicotine hit from elsewhere, hopefully reducing smoking habits and angry flat mates who end up finding pouches everywhere, from under mattresses to hidden in saucepans.
Stanley Cups: These plastic prehistoric creations are too gigantic for their own good, making the consumption of water look like a part-time job. Those in possession of Stanley Cups have created their own sub-culture, and you will hear them before you see them. Slurping on their gigantic straws in libraries, alongside hearing them clatter around in tote bags, Stanley Cups have become a status symbol that says ‘I drink water, and I like this to be publicly known whilst doing so’. Stanley Cups are like the influencer of drinking beakers- gone are the days of the Jack Wills plastic bottle or the Sports Direct container. A tariff on a Stanley Cup would do the world some good- because have you REALLY seen a change in the water consumption habits of individuals since they came onto the scene?
Schoffels: Putting a tariff on a Schoffel is like Lauren Sanchez releasing a children’s book- it’s a pointless act that means well on the surface. Those in possession of a Schoffel highly likely already have a few in shades of emerald and brown, and can highly likely afford the product with the tax on such. A Schoffel can frequently be spotted roaming around the City of Westminster and in the green pastures of the countryside. It evokes some sort of animal with it’s strange sounding name *Sch-off-el* (part beaver, part hedgehog). Putting a tax on Schoffels would prompt farmers and finance boys to find a better jacket to keep them warm when at the likes of The Sloaney Pony or at The Royal Welsh Show. Reasoning for putting a tariff on such lays within the individual people turn into when wearing a Schoffel, usually violently loud, and dangerously obnoxious.
Dragon Soop: Those that are unfamiliar with Dragon Soop, no it is not a Heinz collaboration with Metallica. Dragon Soop is a pub crawl drinking staple that guarantees on helping you blackout- if you haven’t already. With an ABV of 8%, Dragon Soop is like an alcoholic meal with a packaging that represents the sort of person the drink would if they were to take on human form- heavily tattooed and slightly intimidating, guaranteed to knock you out if you insulted them. Putting a tariff on Dragon Soop would evoke even more student protests- but this time not in relation to lecturer strikes, but to a symbol of drunken carnage that represents what people mean when they are going ‘out out’.
Men: Putting a tariff on men would balance the dating economy. Think of it like a surcharge on ghosting, or a VAT on “u up?” texts. The more vague, the higher the rate. This would be best executed through placement on specific male behaviours, for example, refers to his ex as “crazy”: 20%, Brings up Bitcoin on the first date: 35%. Putting a tariff on dry responses would make for a more proactive dating economy that doesn’t rely on women to carry each conversation. Putting a little fee on men seems fair, no?
Lurpak: After a busy day at school, the sight of an oven-baked baguette accompanied by a pack of Lurpak was the ultimate delicious, middle-class status symbol. Not only has Lurpak been lauded as the most extravagant of spreads, it has been preventing it’s Ugly Sister-Esque Spread ‘Norpak’ from Aldi have it’s moment. Let’s face it, those who have a pack of Lurpak placed in their basket highly likely also own a Stanley Cup- it’s all adding up now.
7. Your twenties: Putting tariffs on different aspects of your twenties would allow you to make some extra cash when you really are not blossoming into the financial machine your teen self believed you would. This would include tariffs on being asked by your grandparents what you actually do as a digital content creator for a luxury hybrid pet grooming industry, alongside tariffs on cafes that overcharge you a gazillion pounds for a dash of oat milk on a late night dash for some caffeine as you set up your latest business venture. People who also say that your twenties are the best years of your life also deserve a tariff because with a crippling identity crisis and a job rejection around every corner, that also comes with the prospect of balancing a one-sided conversation on a dating app with some indie singer that only lets you respond with Oasis references, your twenties really are deserving of a few tariffs.