My Beef With: New Year Resolutions
If I had stuck to my New Year Resolutions by now, I would no longer say ‘like’ profusely in sentences, speak fluent Spanish, live in total bliss due to frequent meditation practice, lead high-energy Zumba practices for forty somethings, be an acclaimed writer and on par with Nigella Lawson when it comes to creating my own delicious, healthy and nourishing meals five times a week. Oh, I would also not have a phone to write them on as screen time would be a thing of the past and my social media platforms will cease to know I existed. These are just a few of the resolutions I have set myself over the years and failed come year by year to stick to. Occasionally, I find myself recycling old New Year’s resolutions and find myself comparing the different versions of myself that would have existed if stuck to. 2020, was ironically, my year of health, 2021 the year I turned into the most well-read individual in the universe- what is a book to someone who has only read novels, and the year that just past was a bit all over the place, learn how to do winged eyeliner, listen to more Bob Dylan and less Taylor Swift, and spend less money on faux- fur coats. Perhaps this was my year of confusion and finding myself? Amongst the flurry of a year ending, and the already present dread that comes with a year ahead (will another global pandemic take place, or will another duplicitous political figure take control over the world), we decide why not force ourselves to actually better ourselves this year. Ladies and gents, my beef this time round is with the New Year’s resolution.
A New Year’s resolution has the same sticking power as a piece of blu tack on water, and is reminder of how much exaggeration of discipline we put upon ourselves. We will, like fools, see a new year upon us and practically fall in love with the versions of ourselves that will exist at the end of year. At the end of every year, we will herald all the dreams, fantasies and projections we have encountered across the year onto ourselves and plan on cramming them into the next year, starting from January. See a solo travelling advert on the tv? Brilliant, see you soon St Christopher’s Inn and Ryan Air crew.
Read a story about the benefits of a turmeric shot every morning? Let’s load up the spices drawer. Come January, the year is practically breaking under the pressure of the perception of ourselves we envision to have. By the time February rolls around, we will become a little bit sceptical about how smart (specific, measurable- you get the gist) our resolutions were yet will still be sticking to the easiest one, usually relating to not drinking as much because it’s dry January anyways and anyone who orders an alcoholic beverage with a load of dry Janet’sand James’ will know that the look you get after ordering even one of those fruity ciders is never worth the actual drink and the lecture afterwards. Ironically, the lecture usually comes from the biggest drinker of the group who forgets their night spent tied to a lamp post after accepting too many free drinks from the over generous marines on their stag holiday.
Now and again I will encounter a strange type of person: someone who actually stuck to their New Year’s resolutions. These types of people usually like to remind others of their will-power, their determination, their ability to hit a target. Like the intelligence test that tempts the child with the marshmallow, the New Year’s resolution is the adult version of this, and those who fail to stick to their personal rules of life navigation will be made to feel like the child found scoffing their face with marshmallow after the invigilator enters the room: exposed. Those who stick to their resolutions will proclaim in busy rooms: I actually went off chocolate after setting myself a New Year’s resolution a year ago to never touch the stuff. It’s a wonder what sticking to them will do to your waistline! Instead of probing Martha on just how she ditched the sweet stuff and completely erased her bad habits by the end of the year, you actually end up telling Martha about how those who have strong sense of discipline also have higher tendencies of being psychopaths (read it somewhere, women’s health), and that she really better be careful relying on goals forced onto us all for the sake of buying into the capitalistic lie that the better version of ourselves can be accessed via purchasing subscriptions for gyms that simply want to see your bank balance fall, and not the size of your arms. Of course, you are just jealous of this demonstration of discipline which others do seem to be in possession of, despite convincing yourself that no one actually sticks to anything that requires more than a weeks worth determination before seeing results.
Despite our resolutions not being a guarantee at the end of the year, a lobotomy sure is. Heath centres and gyms rub their hands together with joy over the forgetfulness of man that turns up on January first acting like they weren’t taught the same gym introduction by the same person a year ago. We seem to forget that the stair master is a deathly device that may as well be a form of public torture, forcing you to gravitate over everyone else in in a look at me kind of way, but in reality, you are trying to not get your shoelace caught in the awful thing in the hopes that your head doesn’t get chopped off in front of an audience of sweaty males. Now that folks, is entertainment.
Of course, it isn’t all doom and gloom. Many will kick up a love affair with their New Year’s resolutions, discovering a version of themselves that becomes a reality. Many will find new hobbies, meet new people doing so, and go on to take it up for years after setting it originally as nothing but a hopeful new years ressie. The benefits that come with sticking to our resolutions are endless (if not, the reason we try to perform them in the first place), and there really is nothing negative about attempting to live a bit healthier, and a bit happier in the process of doing so.
My beef with New Year’s resolutions lays within their ability to make us all feel so entirely elated one second and then crushingly defeated the next. They act as reminders that no matter how hard we try, we never will be able to cut out that addiction to listening to gut-wrenchingly sad music, and that maybe we should just go to a therapist instead and talk about it because clearly no normal person in their right mind could listen to this much Phoebe Bridgers and still feel sane afterwards. New Years Resolutions have a way of sucking the life out of moments of joy that are rewarded to us mere happens when embattling the trials and tribulations of a life in the 21st century. The alcoholic beverage with friends that led onto a bizarre night out in Brixton is a story that will be told for donkeys to come, and if it never took place, would never be the centre of jokes told with friends until 2am. It’s like dragging up all the aspects of yourself that you dislike and attempting to get rid of them all in one go. The heaviness of New Year’s resolutions can cause more turmoil than the actual pain of the spinning class. We end up poisoning ourselves with ourselves, shooting down all of our insecurities until resolutions turn sour. They become no fun. They never were and never have been.
Instead of New Year’s resolutions, I propose New Decade Resolutions. Not only does this give us enough time to put our goals into reality (enough time to realise that winged eyeliner will never come into fruition) and that we are better off looking elsewhere for something to take up. On a positive note, new decade resolutions will also force us to question what we actually want to spend our time perfecting, and will make us realise that to become a master in a certain craft, a year will never do it justice. This way, we won’t be left with the same crippling fear every time January 1st comes round and we are left staring at our notes app thinking why haven’t I learnt mandarin in six months? after failing your GCSE Spanish listening exam after mispronouncing the word for cowboy boots (vaqueros).
What should we all bring into the new year ahead instead? Perspective.